The Car Ride Home, Part 4: What To Say
By this point in the Car Ride Home series, we have covered a lot.
Why the ride home matters more than we think
A real night when my son said he never wanted to play again
The heavy silence in the car when kids are bracing for criticism
The common car ride habits that sound like pressure from the back seat
Now the big question is simple.
If the car is not the place for lectures, second-guessing the coach, or quiet punishment, what are we supposed to say instead?
You do not need a perfect speech. You just need a few simple phrases you can lean on in different situations. Think of them as your parent script for the ride home.
One Phrase That Works Every Time
Let us start with one sentence you can use after every game, no matter what happened.
“I love watching you play.”
That is it. Short, simple, powerful.
You can use it:
After a big win
After a tough loss
After a game where they barely touched the ball
After a night when they made a big mistake
This one line tells your child three important things.
Your love is steady.
It does not rise and fall with the score.Their effort matters more than the result.
You care that they showed up and played, not just that they played perfectly.Sports are about more than performance.
They are about joy, growth, and time together.
In Chapter 15 of Level Up Your Child’s Play, I talk about how kids read what we really value. When they hear the same message over and over, especially in emotional moments, it becomes part of their character and their story. If the car ride story is “I love watching you play,” they can carry that for a long time.
If you only change one thing about your car rides, let it be this phrase.
After A Win: Let Them Own The Joy
After a win, it can be tempting to jump into a full breakdown of every good play. While that is better than only pointing out mistakes, it can still turn the ride into a review session.
Your child does not need a highlight reel from you. They need space and time to enjoy what just happened.
You might say:
“You looked like you were having fun out there.”
“What was your favorite moment from today?”
“I loved seeing how you encouraged your teammates.”
Notice what these lines do.
They focus on fun, not just the score.
They highlight relationships and effort.
They invite your child to share their view first.
Research on motivation in youth sports shows that kids stick with activities when they feel a sense of ownership and choice. Questions like “What was your favorite moment?” helps them tell the story of their game in their own words.
After A Loss: Support Before Solutions
Losses are part of sports. They can be great teachers, but only if kids feel safe first.
Right after a tough game, most kids do not want a full list of lessons. They want to know that they are still okay with you.
You might say:
“I am proud of how you kept going, even when it was tough.”
“Every team has days like this. We’ll bounce back.”
“Is there anything you want to talk about, or would you rather just relax for a bit?”
These lines do a few key things.
They notice effort, not just outcome.
They acknowledge hard situations.
They give your child a choice about talking or staying silent.
In the book, I talk about how kids need a mix of warmth and structure. After a loss, the warmth comes first. Structure (the learning and feedback) can come later, when emotions have settled.
After A Tough Personal Performance
Sometimes the team result is fine, but your child is upset about their own performance. Maybe they made a big mistake. Maybe they sat on the bench more than usual. Maybe they feel like they let everyone down.
This is where your words have extra weight.
You might say:
“Everyone has off days. One game does not define you.”
“I love you, and I love watching you compete, even on hard nights.”
“If you want to talk about the game later, I am happy to listen.”
These phrases:
Separate their worth from their performance.
Remind them that your love is not conditional.
Open a door for future conversation without forcing it.
For many kids, just knowing that you are not disappointed in them is the biggest relief.
Listening More Than You Talk
The most powerful tool you have in the car is not a sentence. It is a pause.
Give your child space to go first.
After you use your steady phrase, you can simply be quiet for a bit. If they want to talk, they will usually start. If they do not, that silence can be a safe place instead of a scary one, especially if your body language is calm.
If they start talking, try to listen all the way through before you jump in. Then ask gentle follow up questions, like:
“What part felt the hardest?”
“What are you proud of from today?”
These questions invite reflection. They help your child think about their own game, instead of waiting for a verdict from you.
In Level Up Your Child’s Play, I share how kids build confidence when they feel like active problem solvers, not just targets of adult feedback. Listening more and asking open questions nudges them in that direction.
Creating A Simple “Always Line” For Your Family
To make this practical, it helps to create one or two “always lines” for your family. These are phrases your child can count on hearing after every game, no matter what.
For example:
“I love watching you play.”
“I am glad I get to be your parent and your fan.”
You can even tell your child your plan.
“Hey, I know rides home can be hard sometimes. I want you to know that, win or lose, you are always going to hear me say one thing after your games. I love watching you play.”
Over time, this consistency can significantly reduce tension. Kids do not have to guess which version of you will show up. They know the first message will be love. You may be surprised at how this will impact their game performance, too, knowing that they can play without fear of disappointment.
Try This At Your Next Game
Here is a simple plan you can use this week.
Pick your “always line.”
Choose one phrase you will say after every game. Write it down if that helps you remember it.Use it first.
As soon as you are settled in the car, say your line before anything else.Pause.
Give your child a minute or two. Let them decide if they want to talk.If they talk, ask one follow-up question.
Please keep it simple and only ask one; do not bombard them. “What felt hardest?” or “What was your favorite moment?”If they do not talk, keep it light and relaxed.
Turn on some music. Ask about something non-sports related. Show them that a game doesn't ruin the night.
You do not have to be perfect. Just a little more intention in these few minutes can make a big difference over a season.
What Comes Next
So far in this Car Ride Home series, we have:
Looked at why the ride home matters
Shared a hard night when my son wanted to quit
Sat in the heavy silence of the car
Talked about the common car ride habits that we tend to fall into
Given you simple things to say instead
There is one more piece we need to talk about.
At some point, you still need to help your child grow. You still need to talk about mistakes, effort, and decisions. The question is not “Should I ever give feedback?” The question is “When and how should I do it?”
That is what the next post in this series is all about.
In “The Car Ride Home, Part 5: When To Talk About Mistakes,” we will look at why timing matters, how to wait for emotions to settle, how to ask permission before giving feedback, and how to set simple family rules around sports talk.
Because a safe car ride does not mean you never talk about what went wrong.
It means you choose the right moment to do it, and you do it in a way that keeps your child in the game.
