The Car Ride Home, Part 5: When To Talk About Mistakes
By now, in the Car Ride Home series, we have:
Looked at why the ride home matters so much
Shared a night when my son said he never wanted to play again
Sat in the heavy silence of the car when kids brace for criticism
Named the common car ride habits and traps we fall into as parents
Shared simple phrases to use instead of lectures
There is one more piece we need to talk about.
At some point, you still need to help your child grow. You still need to talk about effort, decisions, and mistakes. The answer is not “never give feedback.” The answer is “give feedback at the right time and in the right way.”
That is what this post is about.
Why Timing Matters More Than We Think
Right after a game, kids are full of emotion.
Their heart rate is up. Their body is tired. Their mind is replaying good and bad moments. They might feel embarrassed, angry, proud, or all of the above.
In that state, the part of the brain that handles calm thinking and learning is not working at full strength. The emotional part is in charge.
If we try to coach in that moment, our words often bounce off or backfire. They do not provide helpful information. They land as extra pressure.
In Level Up Your Child’s Play, I talk about how kids learn best when they feel safe and heard. Research on motivation and stress lines up with that. When kids feel threatened or judged, they go into defense mode. When they feel supported, they can reflect and grow.
The car ride home, especially right after a hard game, is usually a high-emotion moment. That is why it is such a risky time for detailed coaching.
Use The Car For Connection, Not Correction
A simple rule you can use is this:
Car first. Coaching later.
That means:
Use the ride home to connect.
Save most coaching and correction for a later time, when everyone is calm.
Connection on the ride home sounds like:
“I love watching you play.”
“I know that was a tough one.”
“I am proud of how you kept going.”
Correction sounds like:
“You cannot make that mistake again.”
“Next time you need to mark tighter.”
“You have to stop losing focus out there.”
The first set of lines lets your child breathe. The second set adds more weight to a load they are already carrying.
Connection first does not mean you never speak truth. It means you choose the order. Relationship before review.
Wait For Emotions To Settle
So, when is a better time to talk about mistakes?
Often it is later that day or even the next day, when emotions have cooled, and your child has had a chance to reset.
Some families like to use a simple guideline, such as:
“We do not break down plays in the car.”
“We wait until the next day if we want to talk about the game.”
You do not have to follow a strict clock, but a short delay can make a big difference. It gives:
Your child time to relax, shower, eat, and shift out of game mode.
You time to calm your own emotions and think about what really matters.
By then, both of you are more likely to have a real conversation instead of a defensive argument.
Ask Permission Before Giving Feedback
When you decide it is a better time to talk, there is a simple step that can change the whole tone: Ask permission.
You might say:
“Do you want to talk about the game?”
“Would you like some ideas for next time, or do you just want me to listen?”
“Do you want help thinking about that play, or are you okay letting it go?”
“Can I share something I noticed, or would you rather skip it today?”
If they say no, you can respect that and reply:
“Okay. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here.”
That might feel strange at first, but it teaches a powerful lesson. Your child learns that:
They have some control over when and how feedback happens.
You are on their side, not always in teacher mode.
Sports are something they can own, not just something adults control.
In the book, I talk about how ownership and voice are key parts of healthy motivation. Asking permission gives kids that sense of voice, even when they choose to hear feedback.
Keep Feedback Short And Focused
When your child does say yes, keep it simple.
Pick one or two points, not ten.
Focus on things they can control, like effort, positioning, or decisions.
Mix encouragement with correction.
For example:
“Remember that play in the second half when their winger got behind you. I noticed that you stopped checking over your shoulder when you were tired. Maybe next time you can think about quick glances over your shoulder to see what is behind you. The good thing is you kept tracking back and did not give up on the play. That kind of effort matters.”
This kind of feedback:
Identifies a clear behavior.
Suggests a specific change.
Affirms effort at the same time.
Your child walks away knowing what to try next, without feeling like the whole game was a failure.
Set Simple Family Rules For Sports Talk
To make all of this easier to live out, it helps to have a few basic family rules about sports conversations. You can keep them simple and talk about them when everyone is calm.
Here are some examples you can adapt.
Family rule 1: The car is a safe place.
- No yelling about sports in the car. The ride home is for cooling down, not heating up.
Family rule 2: We start with support.
- After every game, the first message is about love and effort, not the score.
Family rule 3: Kids can call “time out.”
- If you start to talk about the game and your child says something like “Can we talk about this later,” you agree to pause.
Family rule 4: Adults handle adult complaints elsewhere.
- Complaints about coaches, officials, or other parents happen in private adult conversations, not in front of kids in the car.
You do not need all of these. Pick one or two that fit your family and build from there. The point is to make your expectations clear so your child is not guessing what kind of ride they are about to have.
An Example Of How This Can Look
Here is what this might look like in real life.
After a rough game, you get in the car and say, “I love watching you play. That was a tough one.”
Your child grunts or stays quiet. You do not push. You turn on some music or something else they like listening to. The rest of the ride is calm and light.
Later that night, after dinner, you say, “Hey, do you want to talk about anything from the game, or are you good?”
If they say no, you let it go. If they say yes, you ask, “Do you want ideas from me, or do you just want me to listen first?”
You keep the talk short, focus on one or two things, and end with encouragement.
You have still done your job as a parent and coach. You have helped them reflect and learn. You have also protected the car ride as a place of safety.
Try This At Your Next Game
Here is a simple plan you can try this week.
Decide on a car rule.
For example, “No breaking down plays in the car. The car is for support and cooling off.”Tell your child(ren) the plan.
“After the game, I will not go over mistakes in the car. If you want to talk about the game later, you can tell me when you are ready.”Choose your “always line.”
Use it first every time. “I love watching you play.”Pick a time later for possible feedback.
Maybe it is after dinner or during a quiet moment the next day. Ask permission before you share.Keep it short.
Focus on one idea, link it to effort and growth, and end with support.
You do not have to do it perfectly for it to help. Even small changes in timing and tone can add up over a season.
Wrapping Up The Series
This post wraps up the Car Ride Home series, but it is really just the start of a new habit.
We have talked about:
Why the car ride home matters
How it feels from a child’s point of view
Common mistakes we all make
Simple things to say instead
When and how to talk about mistakes
The goal is not to create a script you follow word-for-word. The goal is to change the way you see those few minutes between the field and your front door.
In Level Up Your Child’s Play, I share many other places where small shifts like this can protect your child’s love of sport. The ride home is just one of them, but it is a powerful one.
Reflection question:
What is one new rule or habit you want to bring into your car rides this season so your child feels safe, supported, and ready to play again next time?
In the next mini-series on the blog, we will move from the car to the field and discuss support and behavior during the game. We will look at how to be supportive, effective, and encourage long-term results. You may be surprised to learn that a lot of what we think is helping them on the sidelines is actually hurting them.
