The Car Ride Home, Part 3: Common Mistakes
In the last post in this series, we sat in the car with my son after a rough game. No talking. Just rain, wipers, and a very upset kid in his seat.
We saw that silence is not always peaceful. Sometimes it is heavy and cold. Sometimes kids feel like they are being punished, even if no one says a word.
Now it is time to name what usually happens when we do decide to speak.
Because most of us, at some point, try to fill that tense space with words. We do not always realize how those words sound from the back seat.
Common Car Ride Habit 1: The Heavy Silence
Before we talk about what we say, we need to come back to what we do not say.
The first habit is the heavy silence that feels like punishment.
We grip the wheel a little tighter. We sigh. We answer questions with one word. We stare straight ahead. We tell ourselves, “At least I am not yelling.”
From the back seat, your child does not see love. They see disapproval.
They think:
“I made them mad.”
“They do not even want to look at me.”
“I ruined their night.”
In Level Up Your Child’s Play, I talk about how kids read our emotions in the small things. Tone of voice. Facial expressions. Long pauses. On the ride home, they have nothing else to focus on. So they study us.
Silence can be kind if our body language is soft and our love is evident. Silence can be harsh when it is full of unspoken anger. Kids feel that difference in their stomach, even if they do not have the words for it.
Common Car Ride Habit 2: The Instant Replay Lecture
The second habit is the instant replay lecture.
The car starts moving, and we dive right in.
“Let us talk about that mistake in the second half.”
“You should have passed wide there.”
“You cannot let that player beat you again.”
We intend to teach. We want to catch the moment while it is fresh. We think we are being helpful.
From their seat, your child hears something else.
“The main thing they remember is my mistake.”
“All the good things I did do not matter now.”
“One bad play is the whole story.”
After a tough game, kids are usually already replaying their mistakes in their head. When we join in right away, it can feel like piling on. Instead of learning, they feel smaller and like they failed.
In the book, I share how kids describe “fun” in sports. They talk about trying hard, being part of a team, and feeling like they got better. The instant replay lecture rarely hits those notes, especially when emotions are still high.
Common Car Ride Habit 3: Questioning The Coach
The third habit is turning the car into a second sideline and putting the coach on trial.
We say things like:
“I do not know why your coach kept you on defense.”
“You should be starting. I do not get what they are doing.”
“They do not know how to use you the right way.”
We want to stand up for our child. We want them to know we see their potential. We think we are being supportive.
From the back seat, your child hears:
“I cannot trust my coach.”
“My parent and my coach are on different sides.”
“I am stuck between the adults in my life.”
The research I talk about in Level Up Your Child’s Play shows that coaches and parents need to be on the same page and team, with consistent messaging and support for the players. When parents and coaches seem to be pulling in opposite directions, kids feel like there is no safe choice. No matter what they do, they might upset someone.
Common Car Ride Habit 4: Comparing Our Kid To Other Players
The fourth habit is comparison talk.
We say:
“Did you see how hard Emma ran today? That is the kind of hustle I want from you.”
“Look at how focused Jack was. You need more of that.”
We think we are motivating them. We hope a little push will light a fire.
From the back seat, they hear:
“Other kids are better than you.”
“You are not enough as you are.”
“I will be proud of you when you play like them.”
Over time, constant comparison wears kids down. Instead of feeling like valued members of a team, they feel like they are always behind someone else. That does not build a healthy drive. It creates quiet doubt.
Why These Habits Matter Over Time
Any one of these moments, by itself, might not seem like a big deal.
One tight, quiet ride home.
One lecture about a mistake.
One comment about the coach.
One comparison to another player.
What matters is the pattern.
If most car rides after games are heavy, critical, or tense, kids start to expect it. They connect sports with anxiety and pressure. They watch the clock at the end of games and feel dread, not excitement, about walking to the car.
In the book, I talk about how many kids quit sports by early adolescence because it stops feeling fun. The scoreboard is a minuscule part of that story. It is the way parents and other adults respond to the game that plays a huge role.
The car ride home is one of the clearest mirrors kids have for how we really feel. They notice if we only talk when they score. They notice if we go quiet when they struggle. They notice if we use that time to build them up or wear them down.
You Are Not Alone In This
If you see yourself in any of these habits, you are in excellent company.
Most of us were raised with some version of these car rides. We are often repeating what we saw, trying to do a little better, and learning as we go. The goal is not to feel guilty. The goal is to notice.
Once you see the pattern, you can start to change the script.
You can still help your child grow. You can still talk about effort, decisions, and improvement. You can still hold high standards.
You do not have to do it in a way that makes the back seat feel like a lecture.
What Comes Next
So far, in this Car Ride Home series, we have:
Looked at why the ride home matters
Shared a real story of a night when my son wanted to quit
Sat in the silence of the car
Named the most common car ride habits and how they sound from the back seat
The natural next question is simple.
If we should not fill the car with heavy silence, lectures, or comparisons, what should we do instead?
That is what the next post is about.
In “The Car Ride Home, Part 4: What To Say After Youth Games,” I will share simple, ready-to-use phrases for wins, losses, and challenging personal games. You will get language you can lean on when you are tired, emotional, and tempted to fall back into old habits.
Because the goal is not a perfect car ride.
The goal is a safe one.
One that makes your child want to lace up again next week.
